hockey, faggotry, mental illness
baby A, baby, ay i love the concept of you
but your friend broke my best friend's heart i'm scared you'll break mine too.
baby A, maybe, say let's hang out sometime
but your blue eyes are blue as his it's way too out of line.
baby A, eighty days i will turn eighteen
but maturity matures past me
and the solution is what the solution does: it's saline and it cleans.
maybe when i wake up i'll be the guy i want to be:
tall... handsome... athletic... blonde...
but most likely when i wake up in the mirror i will see:
short... ugly... fat... dark...
unacceptably me.
why didn't i die that day? what purpose did it serve? going over eighty, then a sudden swerve got a bad concussion, guess i struck a nerve punched myself in the face, guess i struck a nerd
sverige born today die again tomorrow
rise back up from the ash burn up all my sorrow
blue mystic it's intrinsic that you understand
that flowers do not just appear they grew up from the land
i want to do so many things to you. i want to touch you, run my hands against you, pull your hair, make you moan but i will never make love to you my fingers laced with yours, or your fingers tight on my neck whatever you prefer— it will never be love.
pushed against the wall teeth and tongue “you are nothing to me,” i say, and i drag my palms across your milk white thighs “then why are you so into this?” you say, clawing me ever closer, my breasts pressed against you, my weight crushing.
i bite your tongue, push you over, and for the first time in this hate/hate relationship,
i have complete control.
i know i will grow old and weak eventually, eventually i will die of mediocrity eventually, eventually
i'll get over my grandeur eventually, eventually then i'll stop wanting more eventually, eventually
my art will just die with me eventually, eventually dissolved into the salty sea eventually, eventually
i am mediocrity i am mediocrity i am mediocrity
back and forth back and forth— riding the bathtub wall riding the rocking chair back and forth a smile, a laugh, a flirt: i'm falling down again the way my heart goes— back and forth back and forth.
i see only the scleras all white and bloodshot i can't bear to look at blue eyes anymore they give me hypothermia, frostbite, and back stabbing pains
back and forth back and forth he comes to the table, offering nothing but himself and his laugh blue eyes, white guys, time flies
REMEMBER YOUR PLACE IN THIS WORLD. HE WAS NOT BLUSHING. HIS SKIN IS JUST TRANSLUCENT. YOU ARE NOT CRUSHING. YOUR SOUL IS JUST LONELY. REMEMBER YOUR PROMISE TO YOURSELF. REMEMBER HOW HURT YOU WERE. YOUR PERFECT PARTNER DOES NOT EXIST HERE. YOUR STANDARDS ARE YOURSELF. YOU NEED TO LOVE YOURSELF. REMEMBER HOW HURT YOU WERE. HE IS NOWHERE NEAR YOU.
This day a man is and tomorrow he appeareth not: full soon shall this be fulfilled in thee; look whether thou canst do otherwise. (and when a man is OUT OF SIGHT HE SOON PASSETH OUT OF MIND). IF YOU HAVE SEEN ANY MAN DIE THINK THAT YOUR- SELF SHALL GO THE SAME WAY WHEREFORE BE EVER READY AND LIVE SO THAT DEATH FIND YOU NEVER UNREADY. Keep thyself as a pilgrim and a guest upon the earth to whom belongeth nothing of worldly business.
(colin mccahon)
do you think that going to sweden will solve your loneliness? do you think you'll find someone that will fix you? you can't love. you're incapable. you can wish, but that's all you can keep steady. you're fantasizing that a karlsson take you with him, along his journey to the nhl. you're fantasizing that he'll take you back to san jose, marry you, then leave you alone every other week it sounds good, doesn't it? it really does. but how real is it?
visby vosby vasby i'll take a brand new taxi to a little island off the coast of uppsala and stockholm vasby vosby visby faster than a frisbee spilling words upon the page breaking free of this old cage visby vabsy vosby breaking wrists like crosby skating fast, busted ass i know i won't fucking last visby vosby vabsy
isn't it funny, how things work out? tonight your gender was on the table for everyone to laugh at. i know you thought of me. how does it feel? do you know how i feel now? are you questioning yourself now? do you know who you are now?