headchecks

do you think that going to sweden will solve your loneliness? do you think you'll find someone that will fix you? you can't love. you're incapable. you can wish, but that's all you can keep steady. you're fantasizing that a karlsson take you with him, along his journey to the nhl. you're fantasizing that he'll take you back to san jose, marry you, then leave you alone every other week it sounds good, doesn't it? it really does. but how real is it?

visby vosby vasby i'll take a brand new taxi to a little island off the coast of uppsala and stockholm vasby vosby visby faster than a frisbee spilling words upon the page breaking free of this old cage visby vabsy vosby breaking wrists like crosby skating fast, busted ass i know i won't fucking last visby vosby vabsy

isn't it funny, how things work out? tonight your gender was on the table for everyone to laugh at. i know you thought of me. how does it feel? do you know how i feel now? are you questioning yourself now? do you know who you are now?

Yesterday, and the day before: I didn't think of you at all. But today, I punched a door, and you appeared behind it. You walked faster, I went slow I stared at the ground And wondered how you still make my heart Pump so slightly faster But this time, out of fear Even though the worst you've ever said was “queer” I knew you can still be so fucking violent. That one day in Livermore, someone called me faggot You scolded them, then glanced at me— I thought you were looking for approval, but maybe, secretly, you agreed.

dear derek: i think i was hurt so much because i thought i could imagine a future with you, because i believed in you so much, to become an nhl player. maybe i should've kept my crush on goldie instead.

dear grace: i feel horrible for taking your firsts when i was trying to forget how i felt about someone else. you really do deserve someone better.

dear matt: i miss you, i think, and i miss being passionate about the things that we liked. your hugs mightve been gangly but i still loved you.

dear blake: i'm a fucking idiot. i don't know if you liked me or not but i liked you but i was convinced watching that pets movie with just the two of us was just hanging out, as friends

dear max: i don't know if you're out there. but we had a good time together. let's go on a hike sometime.

dear maximilian: i'm sure you are still in the area. thank you for being my friend.

dear river: i hope you're well.

dear avery: let yourself relax. be kind to yourself.

i shook your friend's hand— he's my friend, too. he looked me in the eye— so why won't you?

i am tired of your tiptoe— give it to me straight. tell me, when did your love become a kind of hate?

i may have crossed a line somewhere, but god, just ask me nice. i only asked about gambling, i never rolled the dice.

the difference between you and me is that when you get angry you let everyone know you hurt those around you and make them feel the rage you have when i get angry nobody knows i wish i can hurt you and make you feel the pain you made . . . but instead i hurt myself.

i want girls to see me as another girl i want guys to see me as another guy but i am neither. i am like my lesbian friends i am like my gay friends but i am neither. this binary was not built for people who look like me i can't help but think i am incompatible— or maybe just bisexual. i read about tribal genders: carnivore, cannibal. head hunter, dog eater. i feel the thrill of belonging— i am ancient, americans say i am american, ancestors say but i am neither.

“i got crosschecked and almost got another concussion” i said. i was joking, mostly. “what number, what team?” you said. you looked serious. someone laughed at how you jumped to defend me. i laughed it off too. i think where i fucked up, was when your friend died. i don't know how close you were with him. i was a dick nevertheless. my friend died, too, and you rejected me. that's fine. it's alright. did you feel that way? did you cry yourself to sleep? or was it for show—or am i making you be the bad guy so i feel less shit about this? “lets go to the rink” you said. i was stupid. i didnt get it. i said lets get the engineering gang together. thank fuck no one but us could go “let me buy you ice cream” you said. it may have dawned on me. but then i went away what happened? why? you've seen me sit through the pledge of allegiance several times. i'm not american. i do not stand for america and the horrors she has perpetrated. but you still stand awkwardly in your desk to pledge to a country that doesn't want me. do you not understand? do you not understand? do you not understand? was that the reason?