i want to do so many things to you.
i want to touch you, run my hands against you,pull your hair, make you moan
but i will never make love to you
my fingers laced with yours,
or your fingers tight on my neck
whatever you prefer—
it will never be love.
pushed against the wall
teeth and tongue“you are nothing to me,”
i say, and i drag my palms
across your milk white thighs“then why are you so into this?”
you say, clawing me ever closer,
my breasts pressed against you,
my weight crushing.
i bite your tongue, push you over,
and for the first time in this
hate/hate relationship,
back and forth back and forth—
riding the bathtub wall
riding the rocking chair
back and forth
a smile, a laugh, a flirt:
i'm falling down again
the way my heart goes—
back and forth back and forth.
i see only the scleras
all white and bloodshot
i can't bear to look at blue eyes anymore
they give me hypothermia, frostbite,
and back stabbing pains
back and forth back and forth
he comes to the table, offering nothing but himself
and his laugh
blue eyes,
white guys,
time flies
REMEMBER YOUR PLACE IN THIS WORLD.
HE WAS NOT BLUSHING. HIS SKIN IS JUST TRANSLUCENT.
YOU ARE NOT CRUSHING. YOUR SOUL IS JUST LONELY.
REMEMBER YOUR PROMISE TO YOURSELF. REMEMBER HOW HURT YOU WERE.
YOUR PERFECT PARTNER DOES NOT EXIST HERE. YOUR STANDARDS ARE YOURSELF. YOU NEED TO LOVE YOURSELF. REMEMBER HOW HURT YOU WERE.
HE IS NOWHERE NEAR YOU.
This day a man is and tomorrow heappeareth not: full soon shall this be fulfilled inthee; look whether thou canst do otherwise.(and when a man is OUT OF SIGHT HE SOON PASSETH OUT OF MIND).IF YOU HAVE SEEN ANY MAN DIE THINK THAT YOUR-SELF SHALL GO THE SAME WAY WHEREFORE BEEVER READY ANDLIVESO THAT DEATHFIND YOU NEVER UNREADY.Keep thyself as a pilgrimand a guest upon theearth to whom belongeth nothingof worldly business.
do you think that going to sweden will solve your loneliness? do you think you'll find someone that will fix you?
you can't love. you're incapable. you can wish, but that's all you can keep steady.
you're fantasizing that a karlsson take you with him, along his journey to the nhl. you're fantasizing that he'll take you back to san jose, marry you, then leave you alone every other week
it sounds good, doesn't it? it really does.
but how real is it?
visby vosby vasby
i'll take a brand new taxi
to a little island off the coast
of uppsala and stockholm
vasby vosby visby
faster than a frisbee
spilling words upon the page
breaking free of this old cage
visby vabsy vosby
breaking wrists like crosby
skating fast, busted ass
i know i won't fucking last
visby vosby vabsy
isn't it funny, how things work out?
tonight your gender was on the table
for everyone to laugh at.
i know you thought of me.
how does it feel?
do you know how i feel now?
are you questioning yourself now?
do you know who you are now?
Yesterday, and the day before:
I didn't think of you at all.
But today, I punched a door,
and you appeared behind it.
You walked faster, I went slow
I stared at the ground
And wondered how you still make my heart
Pump so slightly faster
But this time, out of fear
Even though the worst you've ever said was “queer”
I knew you can still be so fucking violent.
That one day in Livermore,
someone called me faggot
You scolded them, then glanced at me—
I thought you were looking for approval,
but maybe, secretly, you agreed.
dear derek:
i think i was hurt so much because i thought i could imagine a future with you, because i believed in you so much, to become an nhl player. maybe i should've kept my crush on goldie instead.
dear grace:
i feel horrible for taking your firsts when i was trying to forget how i felt about someone else. you really do deserve someone better.
dear matt:
i miss you, i think, and i miss being passionate about the things that we liked. your hugs mightve been gangly but i still loved you.
dear blake:
i'm a fucking idiot. i don't know if you liked me or not but i liked you but i was convinced watching that pets movie with just the two of us was just hanging out, as friends
dear max:
i don't know if you're out there. but we had a good time together. let's go on a hike sometime.
dear maximilian:
i'm sure you are still in the area. thank you for being my friend.
dear river:
i hope you're well.
dear avery:
let yourself relax. be kind to yourself.